A story by JP (mostly)
An unfortunate and possibly dangerous situation has arisen in North Korea in recent weeks. Sources close to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un have informed the journalists of The Granite Pomegranate that Un is suffering from a concerning addiction to KFC chicken. While Un has expressed his dislike for western customs, this is one that he has held dear, being supplied by endorsement deals that his close friend and former NBA star Dennis Rodman still possesses. It has been rumored that Un has held up on nuking the United States because KFC has threatened to cease their flow of chicken to North Korea. Un and the rest of North Korea have constantly expressed their hatred for the capitalist ideas of American fast food restaurants. In related news, Un has come forward with an idea to create an identical North Korean version of KFC; all he has to do is get his hands on that elusive recipe, then he would be able to bomb the U.S at his will.
Unfortunately for Un, however tasty the chicken may be, it is very calorie heavy, and when one is always busy at their desk plotting to destroy the world, like Un, it can be hard to work off those calories. This has caused his weight to skyrocket, going from 190 pounds when he took office to 286 pounds at last check. His addiction can also explain a couple mysterious absences and lack of rational decision making. In one case, Un was missing for more than two weeks, and some of the public wondered if he was dead. Fortunately, all he had suffered were two broken ankles, caused by the massive weight packed into his relatively small frame. Anonymous sources have reported to The Granite Pomegranate that his recent nuclear threats can also be explained by this crippling addiction. Apparently, top executives were concerned that Un had killed Rodman after feeling threatened that he might try to take over as dictator. He promptly decided that the only course of action was to threaten to nuke the U.S. In response, KFC threatened to rescind the endorsement unless Un produced Rodman, also showing a DNA test to prove it was him. Un quickly backed down and thoroughly apologized, producing a very healthy Rodman. Many in the international community have been wondering if a leader with such a condition is suited for office. These concerns are well based, as one can get very ornery and have intense hot flashes if they go too long without the sacred chicken. However, for those out there with concerns, Un has done a little something to quiet those fears. He has just recently formed a partnership with NicoDerm, the american based addiction relief company. They are getting set to release the first ever KFC addiction patches, called Lil’ Kim’s, which can be found at the local drugstore near you.
Unfortunately for Un, however tasty the chicken may be, it is very calorie heavy, and when one is always busy at their desk plotting to destroy the world, like Un, it can be hard to work off those calories. This has caused his weight to skyrocket, going from 190 pounds when he took office to 286 pounds at last check. His addiction can also explain a couple mysterious absences and lack of rational decision making. In one case, Un was missing for more than two weeks, and some of the public wondered if he was dead. Fortunately, all he had suffered were two broken ankles, caused by the massive weight packed into his relatively small frame. Anonymous sources have reported to The Granite Pomegranate that his recent nuclear threats can also be explained by this crippling addiction. Apparently, top executives were concerned that Un had killed Rodman after feeling threatened that he might try to take over as dictator. He promptly decided that the only course of action was to threaten to nuke the U.S. In response, KFC threatened to rescind the endorsement unless Un produced Rodman, also showing a DNA test to prove it was him. Un quickly backed down and thoroughly apologized, producing a very healthy Rodman. Many in the international community have been wondering if a leader with such a condition is suited for office. These concerns are well based, as one can get very ornery and have intense hot flashes if they go too long without the sacred chicken. However, for those out there with concerns, Un has done a little something to quiet those fears. He has just recently formed a partnership with NicoDerm, the american based addiction relief company. They are getting set to release the first ever KFC addiction patches, called Lil’ Kim’s, which can be found at the local drugstore near you.